jharinenasir786
07-09-2009, 10:27 PM
Hi my name is Jharine this is my first forum you guys, so dont be too brutal to me lol. But i secretly desire to become a creative writer and write stories of anything and anyone fiction mostly... I never let anyone look at my writing materials before, on account of the discouragement im surrounded in my everyday life which drives me away from the pen and paper and keeps me hidden behind books and other stories that i read rather than my true passion of actually writing ... but i really want some feedback on what i need to concentrate on in my writing and my rough drafts that i share on this site i hope any of you guys can help me and guide me towards a direction of creativity and legitimite writing tools that i need that will help me make my stories come alive rather dull and boring and predictable...thank you once again i hope i get feedback on this thanks !!!
Here is an example what do you guys think about these couple of pararaphs from a story that i was working on:
(Ring, Ring, Ring!!!); Alarm rings at 5:30 in the morning on August 14, 2002. “Come on idiot we have to get ready for school already !!!” Zara is very excited about her first day of high school. Anything that has to deal with new curriculum or academics Zara jumps ecstatically. “Hurry Via it’s 5:30, we have to be at the bus stop by 6:13, now COME ON!” Via is Zara’s older sister by one year . She is extremely over protective of her little sister Zara , but that just means she exponentially loves her dear sister. Via is also known to be very pretty and well known around the high school. As for Zara she likes being behind the books were she doesn’t have to deal with people much. Zara is pretty as well, but her beauty doesn’t show as much as Via’s . When Zara comes out of hiding from behind her books her raven black hair reveals itself, while her full lips speaks to you, yet the person does not hear her words, her skin is light golden that gives her a natural glow. Her eyes as enticing as a black cat, and her walk as clumsy as a pegged legged pirate. Zara gets impatient with Via now and screams out “Viaaaa!, Are you ready yet!? Via responds back, still being in her pajamas in a sleepy tone, “ Yeeesss…” Zara comes out of the bathroom throwing a fit saying, “Gosh Via hurry up! We are going to miss our bus ride to school then YOUR going to have to wake up mummy from her deep sleep and get sweared at like a sailor.” Via briskly wakes up putting on anything after realizing the fact that Zara had just said . Then soon they are on their way out, it is still dark out so their mother saw them off to their bus stop. But before they had left she wished Zara a good luck on her first day of high school and to work hard. Zara then left kissing her mother on the cheek swiftly. Zara and Via were off to school. This might have been just another day in school for Via, but for Zara it was a start of something new and hopefully in her life improved. Zara and Via have finally reached their bus stop then comes Zara’s good friend Dustin from middle school. “Hey Zara what’s up?”, Zara replies back, “Oh nothing, I just can’t wait to go through Creek Side high school’s doors” Dustin replies back with a sigh, “Well, I definitely can, I wish our summer vacation was extended a bit more, I miss it so much already school is such a drag.” Zara replies back to Dustin, “No it’s not Dustin, I mean just think about it we are going to be in this same school for 4 years then we are off to college on our own in the big scary world we better enjoy high school while we still can.” Dustin is looking at Zara in a day dreamy way, “Yeaa I guess your right I suppose . I also saw you on your bike and jogging sometimes during our summer. Zara curiously lifts her brow, “Really where I never saw you Dustin.” Dustin quickly changes the subject on Zara for some reason , “Hey Zara the bus is here, BUS#25, looks like this is our bus for the next 4 years huh Zara?” Zara looks at the big yellow bus that has it’s head lights flashing in the morning while it is still dark. She gently takes a big gulp, and immediately feels nauseated. Her smile slowly disappeared as the bus got closer. Zara then went on the bus with her sister following in after. She then saw a friendly :That was where i left off so email me some feedback thanks
jharinenasir@yahoo.com
Here is an example what do you guys think about these couple of pararaphs from a story that i was working on:
(Ring, Ring, Ring!!!); Alarm rings at 5:30 in the morning on August 14, 2002. “Come on idiot we have to get ready for school already !!!” Zara is very excited about her first day of high school. Anything that has to deal with new curriculum or academics Zara jumps ecstatically. “Hurry Via it’s 5:30, we have to be at the bus stop by 6:13, now COME ON!” Via is Zara’s older sister by one year . She is extremely over protective of her little sister Zara , but that just means she exponentially loves her dear sister. Via is also known to be very pretty and well known around the high school. As for Zara she likes being behind the books were she doesn’t have to deal with people much. Zara is pretty as well, but her beauty doesn’t show as much as Via’s . When Zara comes out of hiding from behind her books her raven black hair reveals itself, while her full lips speaks to you, yet the person does not hear her words, her skin is light golden that gives her a natural glow. Her eyes as enticing as a black cat, and her walk as clumsy as a pegged legged pirate. Zara gets impatient with Via now and screams out “Viaaaa!, Are you ready yet!? Via responds back, still being in her pajamas in a sleepy tone, “ Yeeesss…” Zara comes out of the bathroom throwing a fit saying, “Gosh Via hurry up! We are going to miss our bus ride to school then YOUR going to have to wake up mummy from her deep sleep and get sweared at like a sailor.” Via briskly wakes up putting on anything after realizing the fact that Zara had just said . Then soon they are on their way out, it is still dark out so their mother saw them off to their bus stop. But before they had left she wished Zara a good luck on her first day of high school and to work hard. Zara then left kissing her mother on the cheek swiftly. Zara and Via were off to school. This might have been just another day in school for Via, but for Zara it was a start of something new and hopefully in her life improved. Zara and Via have finally reached their bus stop then comes Zara’s good friend Dustin from middle school. “Hey Zara what’s up?”, Zara replies back, “Oh nothing, I just can’t wait to go through Creek Side high school’s doors” Dustin replies back with a sigh, “Well, I definitely can, I wish our summer vacation was extended a bit more, I miss it so much already school is such a drag.” Zara replies back to Dustin, “No it’s not Dustin, I mean just think about it we are going to be in this same school for 4 years then we are off to college on our own in the big scary world we better enjoy high school while we still can.” Dustin is looking at Zara in a day dreamy way, “Yeaa I guess your right I suppose . I also saw you on your bike and jogging sometimes during our summer. Zara curiously lifts her brow, “Really where I never saw you Dustin.” Dustin quickly changes the subject on Zara for some reason , “Hey Zara the bus is here, BUS#25, looks like this is our bus for the next 4 years huh Zara?” Zara looks at the big yellow bus that has it’s head lights flashing in the morning while it is still dark. She gently takes a big gulp, and immediately feels nauseated. Her smile slowly disappeared as the bus got closer. Zara then went on the bus with her sister following in after. She then saw a friendly :That was where i left off so email me some feedback thanks
jharinenasir@yahoo.com