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Judyaw5
04-29-2009, 07:30 AM
“You save her! You keep her alive Jace!” I could hear Alex screaming. “You don’t know what you’re asking me.” Jace tried to reason with him. “She would have to become one of us, you know that. She would have to bond with Brayan, it’s the only way. We have no idea what the consequences of their union would be. I don’t even know if she’s strong enough to make it through the ritual Alex. Besides, Raine will never allow it.” “I do know what I’m asking! This is my sister, not some stranger! What if it was Lilly lying there?” Alex was pleading with him. “Raine’s not here and I don’t care about any consequences! We can’t let her die, we have do this! Maybe Raine is wrong, she’s not perfect! Even if she’s right, it doesn’t matter! We have to do this Jace!” “Raine shares my thoughts Alex, you know that. She’s probably halfway here by now. Go get Brayan, and meet us in the sanctuary. I can’t promise you anything, but I’ll try. Hurry Alex, we don’t have much time, she’s losing a lot of blood.” “It’ll work, I know it will!” He yelled as he was running towards the house. I felt Jace pick me up. I wasn’t in any pain. I knew I was dying though, I could feel myself slipping away. “I don’t want to go yet.” My voice was weak. “I know honey, just hold on.” Jace was the one holding me, but it was Brayan’s voice I heard. “Don’t let go Trea, no matter what, don’t let go!”
He carried me into Pop’s workshop. I could tell where we were by the smell of sawdust and the rows of tools hanging on the wall. He laid me down on a table. Then he lifted up a rug and put it on the workbench. I saw him open a door in the floor. I had never known it was there. Maybe it hadn’t always been, I didn’t know. He picked me up again and carried me through the door, down into another room. The room was dim. The only lighting was from an ornate lamp in the corner. There were different colored pillows all over the floor. In the center of the room was a small table. On the table, a book laid open. A candle in a gold votive sat beside the book, along with a gold bottle. Jace laid me gently on the pillows. “Are you still with me Trea?” I felt Jace put pressure on my stomach. He was trying to stop the bleeding I assumed. I nodded. “Where are we? What is this place? Why am I here?” I whispered. “Don’t worry, we’re just going to try to make you better.” He answered.
“It’s ok Baby. You’re going to be ok.” Brayan was with me now. He laid down beside me and grabbed my hand. “Do you trust me Trea?” He asked. “Yes.” I could barely get the words out. I was so tired. My heart felt like it was loosing force, like it would stop beating at any second. “Let’s do this now! She‘s cold and she‘s turning white!” Alex yelled at them. “You know this can not be undone.” Jace told Brayan. “It’s what I want, it’s what I’ve wanted since I first laid eyes on her.” Jace shook his head in agreement, and went over to the table . He lit the candle and thumbed through the book until he found the page he wanted. “She has to understand what is happening to her. Tell her Brayan, she has to want this.” Jace ordered.
“Listen to me Trea. You’re not going to understand all of this, but you know that I love you more than anything right? I want to be with you always. You’re hurt really bad so I don’t have the luxury of explaining what we are, or why we are. You know something is different about all of us. You know we are more than other people. I know you know that.” I wanted to answer him but I couldn’t get the words out. I did know. I knew that there was something special about them. I knew that whatever they were, Alex was now too. I didn’t care, they could all be hideous monsters in human form. Nothing could possibly change how I felt about Brayan. “Jace is going to say some words, then he’ll ask us some questions in Latin. I’ll translate for you. We will drink from the vial, then we will be together forever. If we do this, nothing will ever be able to separate us. Our souls will join together. We will become as one being, in two bodies. The adjustment will be very painful, but your wound will be healed. Nothing can damage us once we are linked. We will live for a very long time. Do you understand?” I squeezed his hand so that he would know I did. I didn’t understand all of what he was saying though. To know that he loved me and we would always be together, that’s all I needed to understand. “There is so much you need to be aware of, but there just isn’t time. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I can’t loose you.” He kissed my cheek and nodded for Jace to begin. Whatever pain I was about to feel didn‘t matter. Nothing could hurt worse than leaving him. If there was any life after death, it could only be misery without Brayan.
Jace lit the candle and began to read. “Pro is muto Trea quod Brayan scisco futurus iunctus. They're pectus pectoris have led lemma ut is locus. They sentio vox of undying diligo. They sis participants. They must exsisto licitus futurus unus. Brayan, please explain it to her.” “Before this alter, you and I ask to be united. Our hearts have led us to this place. We feel the power of undying love. We are willing participants. We must be allowed to be one.” Jace continued. “Trea , est Brayan vestri pectus pectoris?” “Trea, is Brayan your heart? You have to say the words Trea, please try.” Brayan explained. “Yes.” I mouthed. “Brayan , est Trea vestri mos?” “Jace asked if you are my will? Absolutely.” “Est vestri vita praeter vos?” “Is your life more than you?” We both answered yes. “Quondam duos fio unus , operor vos spondeo vestri ut opus illae universitas tutela?” “Once two become one, do you pledge yourself to the work of this world's protection?” Brayan agreed, I was completely lost but I answered yes too. “Mos vos devoveo vestri vita ut safekeeping of alius?” “Will you devote your life to the safekeeping of others?” We both agreed. “Imbibo quod exsisto iunctus.” “Drink and be joined.” Jace handed Brayan the bottle. He opened it and held it to my lips. I took a sip of the thick sweet smelling liquid. I choked but it went down. Brayan took a drink, then gave the bottle back to Jace. He laid his head on my shoulder. “ I Love you so much Trea.”
His eyes closed and I couldn’t feel him breathing. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t breath either. Everything went dark. When I could see again, I was looking down at our bodies. Brayan was with me , he was beside me, but his body was still on the floor with mine. I could see particles all around us, like a hazy pink light. We were slowly pulled together until we melded into one. It was an indescribable closeness, so much more than love making. I could see what he saw, hear what he heard, feel what he felt. I was part of his mind, his soul. So much was passing between us that I couldn’t comprehend it all. It became overwhelming. It started to scorch through me like a wildfire. Every tiny detail of him was searing into my mind. As soon as the burning subsided a greater pain took it’s place. It felt like I was being ripped in half, I was literally tearing apart. A second later I was being forced back into my body. I didn’t fit as had before. I was being squeezed, pushed, and crammed into a space that was suffocating me. I felt like I was dying all over again. My head felt as if it would burst at any moment. Everything went dark again.
An empty feeling brought me back to consciousness. Loneliness consumed me. I opened my eyes and looked around the room. I was alone. I sat up and felt my stomach. It was smooth and dry. I lifted my shirt to look at my wound but it was gone. There was no trace of it, not even a scratch. The pressure in my head was still there, just a lot less crippling. I got up and went to the stairs. I was halfway up when I heard Raine’s voice. I could hear that she was very angry. I decided not to interrupt whatever was going on above me. I didn’t want to be alone but I needed to hear what I would be walking into.
“How could you do this? How could you do this to Brayan? How could you do this to all of us?” Raine asked. “She will be our destruction! Making her one of us will unravel everything! There are rules and reasons for those rules! My brother will suffer because of this Jace. I promise you, every pain he feels, I will bring upon you a thousand fold!” “Raine, how could I let Alex’s sister parish?” Jace tried to make her understand why he’d preformed the ceremony. “Shut up, just shut your mouth! No reason is good enough for what you’ve done!” She barked. “And you Alex, Don’t think I’ve forgotten your hand in this! If innocents are hurt because of what you’ve done, you’ll wish you’d let her die! Get out, both of you, so I can go and see what kind of abomination you’ve created! Go take care of Brayan. Bring him to me the second he wakes!”
I heard the door close. I was alone with her now. No protection from whatever wrath she wished to bring upon me. “Come here Trea! I know your listening! Come so that I can see what monstrosity you have become!”



:confused::confused::confused:

ellanovella
06-11-2009, 11:29 PM
Obviously, since I can only read this part of the story without further explanation, my feedback will not be as good as it can be but I hope some of my suggestions can help!

I would say that your writing style is good. Your descriptions are very in-depth and make it easy to visualize scenes. I assume that in context, the actual events will make more sense (ha-ha) but to me it seemed quite exciting. Including love can often be a challenge for writiers, but from my perspective you did a good job with the characters and their interactions with each other.

Remember that writing can always be just a little smoother. I would recommend that you just look at the flow. A little editing never hurts! Otherwise, it seemed to me that you did a good job with this part!

Sound of Silence
06-14-2009, 12:09 AM
Hi, judy. Ella's helped you lovely up there, I hope you don't mind if I do too.

It's very pacey writing and you're good with descriptions. You fall, just slightly on how creative writing is presented. I.e, if one character speaks, then another, what they say goes on their own lines:

'Get her out of here - quick.'
'I'm trying...'

Yours tends to run most of the speech acts togather. Just break them down a touch, give speakers their own lines, and it will flow a little easier for the reader.

Try not to overuse punctuation. You use a lot of exclamation marls (!). You're the author and that author has a fantastic job of showing and teling the actions through words, not the punctuation. It's also a good exercise to get you thinking about the action you're portraying.

There's also a few comments on about the third of the submission, I hope they help too.

But keep writing, it's a very good start. ;)





“You save her! You keep her alive (comma needed here after 'alive' seperates your vocatives (poeple who you are adressing (Jace) from the rest of the sentence) Jace!” I could hear Alex screaming. “You don’t know what you’re asking me.” Jace tried to reason with him. “She would have to become one of us, you know that. She would have to bond with Brayan, it’s the only way. We have no idea what the consequences of their union would be. I don’t even know if she’s strong enough to make it through the ritual (vocative) Alex. Besides, Raine will never allow it.” (start new line here, you've switched speaker and you need to signal it to the reader) “I do know what I’m asking! This is my sister, not some stranger! What if it was Lilly lying there?” Alex was pleading with him. “Raine’s not here and I don’t care about any consequences! We can’t let her die, we have do this! Maybe Raine is wrong, she’s not perfect! Even if she’s right, it doesn’t matter! We have to do this (vocative) Jace!” (new line for a new speaker) “Raine shares my thoughts (vocative) Alex, you know that.
:confused::confused::confused:

Judyaw5
06-29-2009, 10:06 AM
Thanks for the help sound of silence. Grammer is the hardest part for me. I will surely have to have someone do my editing before i'm done. I lack confidence in my writing ability so every ounce of knowledge helps.

Judyaw5
06-29-2009, 10:07 AM
Thank you for your kind words ellanovella!

TokeBernbole
08-16-2009, 08:49 AM
I'd like to add my two cents if you don't mind. The others above made good points, but grammer and editing aside, one change I would consider is the part with the latin. Perhaps it would be easier to simply tell the reader that they are speaking in latin, maybe by making a note that Trea has no idea what they are saying. I found I was just skipping past those parts (since I don't speak latin) The only place I would say you should use the actual latin is when they tell her to say the specific words.

For example

Jace lit the candle and began to read. “Pro is muto Trea quod Brayan scisco futurus iunctus. They're pectus pectoris have led lemma ut is locus. They sentio vox of undying diligo. They sis participants. They must exsisto licitus futurus unus. Brayan, please explain it to her.” “Before this alter, you and I ask to be united. Our hearts have led us to this place. We feel the power of undying love. We are willing participants. We must be allowed to be one.”


Instead you could say

Jace lit the candle and began to read in a language she/Trea couldn't understand. He chanted strange, cryptic words.
Jace said," Brayan, please explain it to her."
"Before this altar, you and I ask to be united. Our hearts have led us to this place. We feel the power of undying love. We are willing participants. We must be allowed to be one.”

Well you get the idea. Otherwise, quite interesting, good descriptors and as others have said, harder to follow not having the rest of the story. Hope this helps!