Beginning of Story. Comment please!

[Judyaw5]

This is the beginning of my story. Please let me know what you think. Any ideas for improvement?:)



I guess you could say I’m not the typical girl. I’ve never really fit into any of those groups other girls my age insist on being in. Having interest in my hair, clothes, or shoes seems like an incredible waste of time. My make up collection consists of mascara, black eyeliner, and clear lip gloss. The star quarterback has never been my type. Being blonde would be my only intertwining quality had I not cut my hair a little to short. The hot pink and black streaks definitely don’t help my princess points. I’m a little to muscular to be the cheerleader and a little to smart to pretend I’m dumb, but I don’t belong with the chess club either. I think there afraid I’ll beat them up. My musical taste doesn’t belong in the band. Hard rock is not approved listening for Montgomery High school. Not feeling the world is going to end at any moment eliminates me from being emo or goth. I’m definitely not a super model but I‘m pretty enough I guess. Boys seem to notice me but I’ve gotten bored easily with the ones I’ve dated. I never got into all of that silly boyfriend girlfriend high school drama. On one hand I am incredibly stubborn, or so my mom tells me. On the other hand I can’t make up my mind on what to be stubborn about. I just graduated from high school and I should know exactly what I am going to do with my life but honestly, I have no idea. I have thought about everything from acrobat to xylophone player but I can’t see myself doing any of it. I know there is a profession out there somewhere that will make me happy. I just haven’t been able to find it yet.
I am going to stay the summer in Texas with my brother Alex. I haven’t seen him in two years so I am looking forward to spending time with him. We were very close growing up. I think he is the only one in the world that really gets me. Maybe by the end of the summer I will have gained some clarification on how to begin my adult life. Right now all I can think of is seeing Alex’s face.
Our grandpa Henry ( Pops) passed away three years ago . He left Alex and I enough money to go to college and have a good start afterwards. He also left us a ranch in New Braunfels, Texas. Dad wanted us to sell the property and invest the money, but Alex had other plans. Dad’s dream was for both of his kids to get a degree. He wanted us to be doctors, lawyers, or something he considered successful. He never had the chance to get an education and worked very hard all his life to take care of us. Pops offered dad a job many times but he refused to make a living off mom’s father. Don’t get me wrong, dad made a decent wage. We have a nice three bedroom home in suburbia. Alex and I never wanted for anything. We were not spoiled but we always had more than we needed. He was devastated when Alex decided to move to Texas and open an extreme sports center. To me it seemed like the perfect thing for Alex to do. We spent every summer at the ranch. Alex always seemed to be the happiest there. I don’t think he would ever be comfortable in a suit and tie. Dad absolutely refused to give in though, and they haven’t spoken since. He was not happy about me going to the ranch for a visit but he didn’t object outright. I understand that they choose to treat each other that way, but it has nothing to do with me. I Love my brother very much and I will always see him.

[wilfriedvoss]

Hi Judyaw5,

First of all, I like your writing very much. The sentences are clear and fluent.

However, ...;-) The story line seems to be a bit too chronological, i.e. you introduce yourself before you go into the details. It almost seems like you're writing a diary and I'm assuming you want to write a short story or novel (correct me, if I'm wrong).

I guess what's missing here is the part where you need to catch the reader's attention. The reader might stop reading, because you're not getting to the point soon enough. Nevertheless, I did read the whole thing, because - as I wrote before - your sentences are very fluent.

Following the rule to introduce the story line - your intention to visit your brother - in the first paragraph or even the first sentence, you could start the story as follows (and that's just a suggestion):

"I don't like the idea of you visiting your brother," Dad said.

This will add some dialog and readers usually like dialogs and it will catch their attention. From there on you can develop the story line and occasionally add some personal information, e.g. who you are, family history, etc. Again, you don't need to explain family history all at once; just plant some here and some there into the story line.

That's just my five cents...;-) and anybody who wants to correct me is very welcome to do so.

Regards,
Wilfried Voss
http://www.frogenyozurt.com

[Judyaw5]

:):) Thank you for the advice. I am writing a novel, or at least I think I am. I have the first 2 chapters down along with some of the important scenes. The beginning has been the hardest part for me. I have went back to it so many times.

[TokeBernbole]

Perhaps you break into reality as the girl, feeling a bit insecure actually, re-reads a section of her diary to herself. She sounds so confident on the paper yet when it comes down to it she doubts the sincerity of herself. She finds that in relationships she compares the men to her brother because none of them match up, and not that there is a sexual thing with him but she wishes to find that kind of bond with someone else. She finds the sex with men is fine but none of them can ever know her the same way. Most of the men are jealous of this and it causes rifts. When a man actually befriends the brother she finds herself excited and wanting him but he is cold shoulder to her at first. He not wanting to ruin his friendship with the brother. The brother always has ample women and at times preoccupied with them to the frustration of the sister who just wants them to be able to stay close. I don't know what direction you had in mind with this but that is what it made me think xD Hope this is useful to you. On another note, perhaps this is the first entry into a journal she just started because of the pent up feelings, and in later chapters you continue to reveal more pages of diary.

[Slayer]

Also, pay attention to your words - spelling and grammar.



to VS too

there VS their VS they're (they are)


Don't fret because those are the most common mistakes that everyone makes when they haven't gone back to recheck their work.