A poem

[Englishstudent]

Peace be upon you all,

I wrote a poem, by myself I swear :p and it would mean so much to me

if you read it and tell me about it;)


It's called The Green Heart

.....Just have a green heart, so you can see the green trees.

.....It's nothing hard, just follow these keys.

Don't cheat Don't lie, Don't turn your back Don't say goodbye.

Don't hold on your self and say " I'm a guy". Don't walk into a kitchen and

steal a pie. A whisky Don't buy, Don't stik your ears Don't spy.

Don't do bad stuff,

coz you're "a guy" and "tough".


You think you own it,

caring just don't fit.


Coz one point is missing,

it's a life "tredition" :

" You always get back what you are giving " !

[Deen]

Hi EnglishStudent,

I read your poem.
About the content: I think your idea and the concept is nice. :) ok but from what I can see, there are just a few minor mistakes I guess, but I am not at all perfect myself, so if I have made any errors, please anyone reading this, correct me.

... - should always be 3 dots for an elipsis.
I think personally that it would be better if you said in the second line: ' just follow this key' - instead of these keys. The reason why I said that, is because you didn't talk about anything other than one key - which is to have a green heart. So I think if you substitute 'this' for 'these' - then that would sound better.

I didn't understand 'Don't stik your ears '?

Typo: 'tredition' - tradition.

I liked the last line the best:
" You always get back what you are giving " ! ;)

Keep writing, as they say 'practice makes perfect'. I applaud your effort in trying to learn more and for your willingness to learn.
Peace

[DanielScocco]

Good try, but I think you need more work on the structure. That is, make it more uniform and easier to follow.

[Englishstudent]

Deen,

I think your idea and the concept is nice.

Thanks for correcting me, and giving me an advices to improve the poem.

I'm not a native speaker so I guess it was abvious:o

Thank you so much

keep passing by

[Englishstudent]

I didn't understand 'Don't stik your ears '?


Hi Deen, well I meant not to spy on people, sometimes people just tend to

stik their ears on other's doors so they can hear what they're talking

about!:o

It's my bad habbit, I write a piece of a poem or a short story and never

even try to read them again so I racognize the errors.:o

thanks Deen:)

[Englishstudent]

Good try, but I think you need more work on the structure. That is, make it more uniform and easier to follow.


Hi Daniel, thanks for you comment, ya I thought it should be more uniform.

I wrote it when I was singing it in my room, standing in front of my window,

watching the trees in my garden.I just wanted to be so grean just like the

trees I was looking at! then I had a problem on fixing the poem:p

Any way, I thank you from my heart you and Deen for passing by.

peace.