wolfatthedoor
06-08-2008, 05:39 PM
sorry, i just saw an old advertisement for pimp my ride and decided to use the term here. ha ha. anyway. check out this paragraph and tell me everything you see wrong with it, and what you don't like about it:
The monster was on the other side of the wall, but right now he was still sleeping. If Mark listened closely, he could hear the heavy, torturous breathing, as mucus sprinkled in and out of the beasts throat. He cringed at the sound, but felt it was necessary to listen in every once in a while, to make sure the monster was still resting. He reluctantly placed an ear to the wall and heard the sounds from deep inside the creatures chest; he was fully aware that this noise would stick with him for the remainder of the day. Sometimes, while Mark was driving, or busy at work, he would hear the noises of the beast inside his head, and it would turn his stomach, like the monster had reached inside of him and started spinning it around and around.
The monster was on the other side of the wall, but right now he was still sleeping. If Mark listened closely, he could hear the heavy, torturous breathing, as mucus sprinkled in and out of the beasts throat. He cringed at the sound, but felt it was necessary to listen in every once in a while, to make sure the monster was still resting. He reluctantly placed an ear to the wall and heard the sounds from deep inside the creatures chest; he was fully aware that this noise would stick with him for the remainder of the day. Sometimes, while Mark was driving, or busy at work, he would hear the noises of the beast inside his head, and it would turn his stomach, like the monster had reached inside of him and started spinning it around and around.